That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
