Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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