alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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