I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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