Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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