There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
