Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
