i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My penis needs a shock collar
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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