Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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