Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
