Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
then he tried to convert me to islam
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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