I just pynch a tree in the face
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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