I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
