Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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