SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
