He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
