Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize