I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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