All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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