I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
