Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
someone owes me an orgasm
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
