So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
