saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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