I'm eating all of the evidence.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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