Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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