just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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