Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
