She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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