why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
