Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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