If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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