smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
