My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
