It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
