you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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