I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
