you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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