____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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