What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
