Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
