she looked like the before picture.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
