it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
