dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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