Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize