Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
