What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Someone signed my nipple.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
