all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
