so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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