lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
