thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
