bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
