Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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