new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
