HIV tests are more positive than that guy
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
