I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
