wanna go halves on a baby?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
