Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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