I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize