You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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