woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize