I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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