I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
