This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
