She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
