Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
