i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
