my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
