I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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