My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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