we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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